I woke up this morning and I had a great feeling. It could be because I finally rested. It could be because I watched a wonderfuly romantic movie last night. It could be that I painted finally for the first time in a long time. Whatever it is - I went outside and felt amazing! The world was so inviting I felt like a Disney princess (no i don't cross dress if you're wondering) in that I could probably talk to the animals if I wanted to.
Thinking back on this morning and now on this day I wonder what changed. Circumstances are pricisely the same. So what changed? Was it me? Or am I reacting to something? What is it about this day that has me feeling like a child who woke up on his birthday? After all I still feel like a kid inside me.
How can I generate such feelings and awareness everyday? If the later, how do I identify the original source of this happiness and seek it out again in the future? But perhaps it’s not meant to linger? Happiness and sorrow like ying and yang must co-exist. Such a realization convinces me to stop typing and to go out into this world and enjoy the ephemeral happiness that is now. For everything is changing around us at all times and we must capture the joy in the moment. The joy of beauty and glee, or the joy in release of crying or frustration.
Today I feel beautiful because I know I am perfectly imperfect.
I am committed to knowing myself. To study who I am at my core, what my interests are, what kind of person I am outside of a relationship; who I am growing up to be; what my natural tendencies are as opposed to learned behaviors, my mental “shoulds,” and aspects I’ve developed as a result of positive re-enforcement versus those things I just do intrinisically, no rewards required.
Can say I’ve been guilty of this? I people-please, and in committed relationships I loose myself completely in the other person. Granted, I’ve been lucky enough to fall in love with those I admire, so I do pick up things I intrinsically enjoy: surfing, philosophy, bmx, music, tattoos which are so zen, art, skulls, guitars, rock and roll and my list could just grow on and on.
Lincoln said, “it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.” Which brings me to the next chapter or topic which has been on my mind for a couple of months. I have written stuff which I feel I should be writing or more like it's written and I just should not post it up. It's a mix tape bigger than hip -hop of my mix feelings and my anger which I took to writing and music during those moments of the dark age when it hit me hard.
After all the storm has cleared and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and that angel was really great with such a wonderful and beautiful soul that just blows my mind away.
Sarah McLachlan wrote:
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For a break that would make it okay.There’s always one reason.
To feel not good enough and it’s hard at the end of the day.
I need some distraction. Oh beautiful release.
Memory seeps from my veins let me be empty.
And weightless and maybe I’ll find some peace tonight.
In the arms of an angel fly away from here.
From this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie.
You’re in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort there.
And Robbie Williams wrote:
I sit and wait does an angel contemplate my fate?
And do they know the places where we go?
When we're grey and old cos I have been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold.
So when I'm lying in my bed thoughts running through my head.
And I feel the love is dead I'm loving angels instead
When I'm feeling weak and my pain walks down a one way street.
I look above and I know I'll always be blessed with love.
And as the feeling grows she breathes flesh to my bones.
And when love is dead I'm loving angels instead.
And through it all she offers me protection.
A lot of love and affection.
Whether I'm right or wrong.
And down the waterfall.
Wherever it may take me.
I know that life won't break me.
When I come to call she won't forsake me.
I'm loving angels instead.
I’ve been chewing on this hence the length of this post :) for fortunate events that has taken place and happened and the unfortunate events that has happened also which had much positive input after the wicked storm.
What today has done and the past has done and what tomorrow and the future holds we all don't know.
Carpe Diem is all I have to offer and maybe I might just release all those mix tapes that has been written down and start all fresh with more adventures like Indiana Jones or Danger Mouse and his side kick Ernest Penfold.
